


Sollux Drabbles

by Arniss Akared (Dwinarnith)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Drabble Collection, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-15
Updated: 2013-03-15
Packaged: 2017-11-29 10:08:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/685754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dwinarnith/pseuds/Arniss%20Akared
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first of many Sollux drabbles. I am practicing writing Sollux Captor and what better way than via drabbledom? </p><p>Disclaimer: This collection is a practice so feedback is not only encouraged but needed. If you love Sollux and I'm writing him poorly share your voice and tell me! Leave a comment. I would appreciate it! :D</p><p>Hopefully, I'll post one every few weeks because any sooner than that as a full time college student is beyond ambitious.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sollux ==> Define Drabble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I, the author, pick on Sollux, the lisp puppet, and make him read naughty things for my amusement!^^

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Sollux or Urban Dictionary.  
> Please enjoy!

Sollux ==> Look up “Drabble”

TA: pa22

_Um what?_

TA: no thank2  ii’m kind of bu2y doiing nothiing.

_You’re so funny! Acting like you have a choice. Shit be downright adorable._

Sollux ==> Get off your lazy ass and look up “Drabble” like a good lisp-puppet!^^

TA: fiine ii’m typiing iit iin now

TA: iis there a poiint two thii2?

_Yes_

TA: and that ii2…?

_My amusement_

_Make sure you look it up on urban dictionary._

TA: ii’m already there 2o ii gu22 you want me two read the defiiniitiion?

_You guess correctly._

_You will read all the definitions. All of them._

TA: 2eriiou2ly? ii don’t have tiime for thii2.

_Okay Mr. whiney whiner. I will let you skip one. But you must read the rest._

TA: the fiir2t one.

 _That’s not the one I would have picked._ _Are you sure?_

TA: yeah iit’2 the 2horte2t.

_Hm. Read on then._

TA: drabble: a 2hort piiece of wriitiing con2ii2tiing wholly of 100 word2

TA: no more no le22 generally u2ed iin fanfiictiion

TA: ii triied two wriite a drabble la2t niight, but iit wa2 two word2 2hort, only 98!

 

_That’s a funny one. Drabbles can be so much longer. Keep reading. It gets better!_

TA: drabble: a per2on who for no rea2on contact2 all your exe2 two fiind out iif you have ever liied two them.

grenville ha2 ju2t gone totally Drabble on my a22

 

_You have a few of those don’t you playa’?_

TA: are you going two comment on all of the2e? All of them?

_Most likely_

TA: okay… uh, drabble: a term u2ed when one mii2under2tand2   the lyriic2 two a 2ong and make2 up a word out of thiin aiir al2o known a2 a drabbli2m.

 

TA: .....ii wrote a letter full of drabble and triipe.....

 

_This next part is my favorite_

 

TA: drabble: the area between the- the… What the… FUCK

TA: ….

_The what? *giggle*_

TA: haha very funny ii get iit.

_I don’t. What’s the joke? I missed it_

TA: fuck you

TA: ii’m not reading thii2.

Sollux ==> Read the rest or I’ll lick you.

TA: you and ii both know you can’t phy2iically liick me.

Terezi ==> magically appearify and lick Sollux in my name

GallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling TwinArmageddons [TA]

GC: H3H33H33 >:]

TA: you can’t do that!

GC: L1CK! >:P

TA: GC what the fuck! gro22

GC: >:]

_Now you have an audience! ^^ please Sollux, continue._

TA: fiine ju2t keep GC away from me

TA: not liike thii2 ii2 a biig deal or mean2 anything ii’m ju2t readiing 2omethiing 2omeone el2e wrote.

TA: not my word2.

_Quit stalling!_

TA: …

TA: drabble: the area between the ball2ack and the leg generally u2ed two 2wiipe your fiinger2

TA: between two piick up exce22 ball2weat in order two 2moop a friiend.

TA: iif ii get really 2weaty ii 2tiick my hand iin my drabble and then 2mell iit.

GC: >:O

_Ew Sollux! You are so gross!_

TA: very mature…

_Lol… I made you say ball sack ^^_

GC: H3H33H33H >:]  
  
---  
  
 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Code Monkey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sollux tells us about the reason why his life sucks as well as the only reason he's okay with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an AU where Sollux is a homosexual human in his mid 20's with a desk job. 
> 
> I do not own Homestuck, Harry Potter, or the song Code Monkey that inspired this drabble.
> 
> I really had fun with this one. Hope you enjoy it!^^

My name is Sollux Captor and sometimes I wonder why I even code.

I mean, how does one go about typing meticulous brilliance every day for some asshole that doesn't really understand it and never really cared anyways? How can you live like that? Who _would_ live like that?

Me. apparently… 

Welcome to my pathetic existence.

                I wake up every morning at four AM to make sure I’m at work by five. And waking up at four AM on a week day is no problem with three shots of espresso and a pack of Monster. Didn’t go to sleep until 2 am? Heh, no problem. Work three days ahead of time for a nice cushion and sleep at work face down on your unforgiving keyboard. My friend Aradia used to yell at me all the time for driving to work on a few hours of sleep, but I don’t really give a shit anymore. If I die, oh well. It wasn’t nice while it lasted anyways. At least death would be quieter. Oh yeah, did I mention the voices? Yep, Schizophrenia has been good to me. And my pills go really nice with Jim Beam Honey Bourbon. I’m supposed to take them four times a day, but since I can’t drink at work I only take them twice a day. Except on Sober Sunday. On Sober Sunday I type that coding cushion I mentioned before, so I have to take all four pills. Sober Sundays suck. 

               I don’t sleep at all on Sober Sunday, that’s what Coma Saturday is for. And yes I realize that doesn’t rhyme but Sleepy Saturday just sounds stupid. Anyways, like I said, driving is risky business when you’re sleep deprived. My glasses don’t help me see worth a shit so I don’t wear them when I drive. I have to blast the AC in my face just to stay focused. Work’s about fifteen minutes away so by the time I get there, I’m a human popsicle. Then I sit at fabulous desk with my fabulous files drinking a fabulous Monster while typing on my fabulous computer and listening to my fabulous boss bitch and complain about my not so fabulous performance. After work, I go home to no one and work some more. Then I go to bed and the mundane cycle begins again. 

                So to sum that up it’s: four AM, Monster, typing, bitching, more typing, sleep, repeat. I ask you, what decent human beings live like this? None. There aren’t any. And that is the reasoning behind my life being a pathetic waste of time. I was doomed to fail from the day I started. And if you’re still not convinced, I’d like you to meet my boss.

               “Captor! Where the _fucking_ _hell_ are those log pages you promised me?” Oh shit. As he so eloquently put it, I forgot to do them. Heheh, woops. “Captor, you fucking code monkey, you said you’d have those done by Thursday and here it is Friday and there is NOTHING ON MY DESK! And for that matter-” The red eyed spawn from hell invading my cubicle continues to ramble about my lack of work ethic as each syllable showers my desk with a thick layer of emphasized spit. Meet my asshole boss, Mr. Karkat Vantas. Mr. Vantas is a four foot eleven, hundred and thirty pound midget of Puerto Rican dynamite. If I took a match to him, he’d probably explode and take me with him. Heheh, that would be great. I could use an easy escape right now and I don’t see any Twix bars lying around. “What’s so fucking funny Mr. Captor? You think this is funny smartass?” _Oh no_ overlord Vantas. I was hanging intently on every word from your blessed mouth. Your wisdom is orgasmic!

              “Thorry mister Vanath. I wath jutht… getting ethited about coding today.” Oh I am so fucked. He’s glaring at me with more contempt than usual. “Getting excited? You’re full of shit Captor. Get those log pages to be by the end of the day or it’s your ass.” Phew. And so, the rare flame butt baboon skulks off to find more easily thwarted prey. The humble code monkey lives to code another day. That asshole. He knows he can’t do shit to me. I’m the best programmer in this entire division. He needs me and he fucking knows it. You want to know why I’m not fired yet? Two words: help me. I am the rock of this establishment. Even Vantas comes to me before he reports to our superior, the district manager of English Incorporated, Dirk Strider. 

              Yes, I save everyone else’s butt thus indirectly saving my own. Oh, and speaking of butt saving, here comes Eridan Ampora for another daily round of “Oh dear god please help me find the error. I haw’ve no idea w-what I did w-wrong. I’w’ve been staring at it for hours and…” and then I’ll interrupt him with “It’th okay thweetheart. Come thit your little honey bunth down on papa’th lap and I’ll teach you.” He’ll sneer and say “Sol quit joke’n around. I’m bee’n serious here!” I’ll laugh at him and maybe joke about his Welsh accent for the millionth time and he’ll take it all because he’s desperate to avoid Mr. Vantas’ ire. He’s afraid I won’t help him if he’s too pissy because I’m an asshole. He’s right to think so. I am a worthless asshole and under normal circumstances I don’t cater to whiney bitches, with the exception of Vantas. 

             But I have a weakness for this particular whiney bitch. I’ve tried not to. He’s a purple loving hipster who I swear could have given Daniel Radcliff a run for his money if he had tried out for Harry Potter and yet I am more alert than ever when he comes over to my mess of a workstation. Maybe it’s love or maybe it’s because he’s my only gay co-worker. Either way, I get to stare at his ass every time I hack his computer and fuck up his code.  

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Any constructive/ encouraging comments would be helpful! :D


	3. The Realm of Alpha Douche

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sollux asserts his dominance as alpha douche of his classroom with a little "my set first" battle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone stole my seat and instead of stealing it back I thought about what Sollux would do. It's a little silly. 
> 
> And yes, I typed with 2's but not double i's. Sue me, I just felt like it. 
> 
> Enjoy! ^^

2ome people are better off in front of you rather than behind. There i2 alway2 that one person in cla22 who 2its in front of you and lean2 so far back, well beyond their limit, and into your de2k 2pace. They 2treatch and their gangly arm2 get in the way of what you’re typing. You think _if only I had 2at in the first de2k. Then they would have to 2it behind me._ Well 2hit, the one day you try thi2 you learn a valuable le22on about light. Oop2 eheh you meant to 2ay life, but you 2uppo2e light work2 too becau2e you realized that douche bag2 reflect it better. It’2 mo2t likely a defen2e mechani2m again2t more 2uperior douche bag2 like your2elf.

But going back to what you meant two 2ay, don’t fuck with life because it will turn around and fuck up your shit like you slept with its wife if you try to change anything. You 2uppo2e you 2hould have gu22ed.

Ye2terday you 2at in the very fir2t chair 2o that NO ONE could 2it in front of you. But that had pi22ed off the douche who normally 2at in that 2eat. He 2at behind you and glared at the back of your head the entire hour. You only turned around to look at him once becau2e fuck that guy. You are the alpha douche. And your first act as 2upreme ruler of doucheland wa2 to claim his 2eat. 

He’ll probably 2how up early tomorrow to reclaim it. A2 the alpha douche you’ll ju2t have to make 2ure this doesn’t happen by 2howing up earlier. As cla22 end2 you don’t get up to leave and neither doe2 the beta douche. That’s fine. You’ll wait thi2 one out. You pull out your phone and 2tart playing cut the rope. The cla22 i2 practically empty when you finally get the 2ati2faction of watching beta douche 2tomp out of the cla22room cur2ing and defeated. Three gold 2tar2 appear on your phone with confetti a2 you cleared another perfect round. You gather up your thing2 2miling. _Heheh I win._  

**Author's Note:**

> Please Leave a comment with feedback so I can improve my Sollux fics. Even if you only leave one word, (ie. good, bad, meh, hm...) it would be helpful. Thank you all so much!^^


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